The internet is a funny place.   I find the idea of blogging strange, yet appealing - the idea of anonymous musings, sent out to the world - or, more likely, sent to die in a musty, unused corner of the internet.  I had completely forgotten that i had started a blog, only reminded by a sticky note on my mac. this made me laugh, as i spelled my blogspot name wrong. or not wrong, perhaps "uniquely". no, its just wrong.
      why make a blog you ask? i was probably upset and wanted to vent.  Perhaps i was lonely, and it was a search for other lost souls wandering, wondering, around aimlessly searching for fulfillment on the internet.
    Since this is my blog....i guess i can talk about whatever the hell i want to. i still have Lyme disease (no 's', for some reason only the newbies say "lyme's"). i don't think i've gotten too much better. i still have hope. most of the time, i would say i'm hopeful, i'm lucky, and i'm happy. then every once in a bit (i can't say while, that would be too infrequent) i get hit. 3 seconds flat and i'm crying, depressed, and wishing i didn't have this disease. i imagine that everything in my life would be better. i would be happier, skinnier, more athletic, and, well, super-woman. this makes me contemplate, how much of life would change without this crushing disease? when will i get better? so - i don't drink alcohol, i don't eat gluten, eggs, and i have been off sugar (all for lyme). i broke down last month and had some sugar, i stopped to go sugar free today.  4+ months ago, when i found out lyme had made me immunologically sensitive to gluten, and when i stopped eating gluten entirely, i found a blog. i was called something like the "gluten bitches". some women bitched about not being able to eat gluten while attempted to be witty and amusing about it. now, they have celiac's disease, and my heart goes out to them. but come on! life could be worse. they bitched about eating chocolate gluten-free cake and drinking wine. at this point, i hadn't had any trace of chocolate or sugar in over 2 months, i had been able to enjoy the pleasures of a glass of wine in over year - i was enraged. yes, fuming. so i bitch about it here. doublessly, if anyone reads this (or me, probably in a few months or next year. yes future me? am i really boring? this is a useless tangent?) they will very likely be worse off in some manner and be enraged by my bitching inspired by other bitching. its a bitching circle, which can really get quite viscous, and it should be stopped.
 hope. hope and belief are incredible and i think drive people to be happy in the worst circumstances. now, i'm not just talking about crazy-god belief, there are many types floating around.  my science-y mind is asking, where did belief come from? did our pre-human ancestors have it? did belief and hope evolve? what if people, who believe that life is good, that everything happens for a reason, that even if everything is utter shit at the moment, it will get better - are more "fit"? Now, i refer to "fit" in the Darwinian sense, biological sense. They have more children in comparison to other people, and their children have more children in comparison to others.  Hence, more of them, after many generations, exist.  This is an incredibly inept and crude description of one part of natural selection, may my evolution professor excuse me. but i don't want to drag this rant down with too many definitions. what if belief drives people to survive better? i think it does. when i have hope, there is often no logical reason driving this, but merely the belief that life is good, that i will get healthy, and that everything will work out. without this concrete feeling working as the foundation of my mind, i freak out. i dread the future, i dread change. now - lyme disease can have some neurological symptoms, which i do experience a bit (luckily not too severely), and can serve to amplify nervous personalities and irrational fear, anger, etc.  i wonder how much this disease has change my mind, how much of my thinking is influenced by these tiny bacteria burrowing around in my body, fucking shit up, to put it crudely. what is your own if your thoughts are not your own?
    that get's me started on an entirely different track. how does original thought and creativity happen? sometimes i feel like all i can accomplish is learning more things from other people. just stuff. more of it each year. now, i am a student in my last year of university, so i have been in school a very long time, and learning is what i know. learning is what i have come to like doing. i've gotten good at it, why change? all my ideas seem to come from other places, or are a conglomerate of other peoples creations or media that has seeped into my brain. 
  now, i'm going to stop here, because i'm tired and my wrists hurt from all this typing. (thanks lyme disease for that one). however, this is by FAR the most typing i have done in a very long time, which is a fantastic sign that my wrists might be doing a bit better! i also played guitar and violin this evening, which was wonderful, and which i don't usually do because of the pain in my wrists from those actions. so yay! more hope! life is good! whoever you are, dear audience, if you made it this far, congratulations. ya done good. you made it through alive, winding in and out of a small bit of my thoughts, and possibly very awkward writing. nope, i'm not editing this. i'm tired. but truely, i hope you gain some happiness and love in your life, and i wish you all the best.

in health,